Warning: Rambly angst ahead.
I have no words. I submitted my final paper over a week ago and I’ve been waiting for my final grades before I posted anything. Well, I got my final grade today, and I still don’t know what to say.
The main drive I had in the last four years of my life is gone. The massive, stressful weight disappeared this past weekend as my grade slowly trickled in. I felt it leave as I sunk to the floor and looked up at my friend from Virginia who showed up on my doorstep. She told me to stop being irrational because of course I’d pass. And she was right – I did.
And with that main focus leaving, I’m sitting here on my bed, lukewarm cup of coffee in hand, wondering, Well… now what?
I talked to my coach for the last time this past week and we talked about how much had changed over the last four years. I’ve become a better version of my eighteen-year-old self – not different at all from that wide-eyed, still-trying-to-lose-her-baby-fat teenager. I’ve got a better taste in music, I’m more confident, my people skills aren’t amazing but so much more apparent, and I’ve gotten a lot better at covering up the midnight-study-sessions-induced bags under my eyes due to my improved makeup skills. And that’s just the non-academic stuff.
Anyway, I’ve gotten a good taste of my post-grad life this past week. Instead of writing papers through sleepy eyes, I watched documentaries. Instead of rushing home from doing errands to see how many distracted hours of school I could get done while simultaneously trying to nanny, I sat on the floor at the library and colored an apple tree with my charges. Instead of cramming as much study time as I could in the quiet hours while Mom was gone with the littlest two at homeschool PE, I gave her a much-needed packing afternoon and took them myself.
While I’m pretty scared of the future and whether or not I’ll waste this newfound freedom, I’m also incredibly excited. I hate change but I love new beginnings, and that’s what gets me through the ever-changing chapters of my life.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to enjoy my first rainy day with no school in sight.